Screwing Up Big Time

Crap!  I really screwed up tonight: I ate five (FIVE!!!) cornbread muffins.  Stupid stupid stupid.

I made bean soup this afternoon and made the corn muffins to go with the soup.  I made 12 muffins, since my sister and her husband were here for dinner, plus my husband, and I planned to send some soup and muffins to a friend and her husband.  That is two muffins each, right?

I ate my two muffins for dinner with my bean soup, and it was all wonderful.  I was proud of myself for not taking a second bowl of soup.  I sent four muffins to my friends, and yet, somehow, after everyone was finished with dinner, there were five muffins left in the basket.  I KNEW as I put them in a plastic bag that I should have thrown them out.  I KNEW I was going to eat them.  Damn damn damn.  Stupid of me.  Now I will have a horrible weigh-in in the morning and will have to work my ass off to take off the calories I managed to put on tonight. 

There are times I wish I were anorexic; I wish I could put my finger down my throat and bring up all my screw-ups after the fact.

Not a whole lot I can do about it now.  I guess the lesson is don't make the damn bread in the first place!  I have been doing absolutely wonderful in terms of not eating the wrong thing.  I cannot believe I allowed myself to sit there and eat and eat and eat until all five muffins were gone.  Thank God I did not add butter or jelly to them....

I don't know why this weight loss is so hard for me.  What am I missing???  I feel that if I could just see some results on the scale, it would help me so much.  I work out day after day and see NO CHANGE on the scale.  Very discouraging.

My husband told me today that I look like I have lost weight from behind.  That sounded great.  I later asked my sister if I look like I have lost weight in my rear, and she said, "Not really."  Sigh.... I guess I set myself up for that one.  No chance of getting a compliment or encouragement from her.  And that is interesting....not sure what is going on. 

I HAVE to keep working my program.  Going to the pool every day.  Working hard doing water aerobics for at least an hour.  However, I need to add something.  I should either walk for fifteen minutes before I go to the pool or work on free weights or something for 15 minutes before I do my water routine.  Something HAS to make the scale move.

Crap!

I

Tough Workout

Today's workout was hard hard hard.  Not sure why.  I counted the minutes, but I finished it, baby!  It is always harder for me to work out when I don't know anyone else in the pool.  Time seems to d-r-a-g.... by, and that was the case today.

The good news:  I was not over the top on the scale this morning!  Woo hoo!  I am praying to God every day for guidance, for discipline, for assistance, for courage in this battle I am in with weight.  There is one dreaded number I hope to NEVER see again, and, thanks be to God, it was not there, even the morning after Thanksgiving dinner with its pound of sugar in the sweet potatoes and pecan pie.  It was taking NO second helpings that saved me.

I am now working on my second "bracelet" in the Get Fit program at Adobe Spa.  I filled my first punchcard with workouts, and now I have two on my second card.  You go, girl!  I desperately want to see some progress on the scale, and that is not really happening yet.  However, I suspected/felt that maybe I had lost a tiny bit in my belly area, so I put on a pair of slacks that were absolutely too too tight in the waist -- to the point that I could not wear them a month ago -- and while they are still tight, I could button them if I had to.  So something IS happening; maybe I am getting rid of some fat and adding some muscle.  Wouldn't that be nice?

Still fighting this lousy cold of five weeks' duration, so I am a bit low on energy.  However, I am moving toward adding "something" to my workout program.  I will either add 15 minutes of walking or 15 minutes on free weights to my water aerobics program.  Janet says I have to "fool" my body occasionally -- or did she call it "tweeking"?  At any rate, I am almost ready to do that.  Just felt a bit too tired today to begin that.

But I am keeping on, and that is what matters right now.  Reading some other fat people's blogs has also helped.  Several of them say "toss the scale" or "stay away from the everyday weigh-in".  I am inclined to think they are right, since a single meal with too much salt or something can blow up into a two or three pound gain on the scale overnight, which is so very discouraging.  I used to teach "if the process is sound, the outcome is predictable."  So if I keep exercising faithfully, I will lose weight.  And I cannot minimize that I have cut out sugar and most simple carbs from my diet.  NO bread, not even yesterday at Thanksgiving dinner.  If I am going to blow calories, it will be on something very special, like homemade pecan pie.  Now, THAT was worth it.  And I was back on the program today.

One difference

I read on another blog that I could/should try to do one thing different today to help me reach my weight goal.  So today there will be NO peanut butter for me.  In fact, I have to do some checking on sugar levels in the apples I eat daily.  SOMETHING is keeping me from losing weight.  I have cut out ALL sweets (to the best of my knowledge), ALL breads, all white potatoes, etc.  I exercise daily.  But NO weight loss.  Nada.  Not a pound.  Sooooo discouraging.  What's going on???

For today, Thanksgiving Day, I will be thankful for my health, for my life, for my family, for my country, for God in my life.  So much to be thankful for.  And I may throw my scale away and just focus on doing what I believe are the right things to do to get healthier.

Tired and tired of it

Spent most of the day in bed after taking a teaspoon of dry cinnamon and nearly choking in the process.  I definitely have to find a new way to take cinnamon.  Just too too dusty going in dry.

Ate very lightly throughout the day (coffee in the morning, cereal with yogurt in the early afternoon, then chicken soup and an apple for dinner.  Then a quarter cup of peanuts. Drank lots of water today.  Still feel hungry.  May have some peanut butter before I call it a day and go back to bed.

No exercise today.  Did not feel like it. My cold is still hanging on, and I am in the middle of a fibro attack.  Hate it when that happens....

Feel very fortunate that I found some blogs from other people struggling with weight.

Done for the day

I am heading off to bed before I weaken and eat something I should not.  I have unfortunately gotten into the habit of eating around nine or ten at night -- after I have already had a good dinner.  That has to stop.
Thank you, Janet, for making me accountable.

Getting Focused

Last night I had my first teaspoon of cinnamon....pretty dusty going down.  But it stayed down, and that is a plus.  We will see if Dr. Oz knows what he is talking about when he says cinnamon helps with weight loss.  I was not sure when to take it, so took it late evening.  Had a hard time getting to sleep, but don't know if the cinnamon was a factor.  More research needed.

Today I start journaling everything I eat.  I have a nurse friend who has agreed to be my health coach.  So now I need to measure and journal everything I eat.  That should slow my mouth down from taking in so much unneeded food.

Drinking my glass of skim milk now that I am back from my hour of water aerobics.  Decided to change the title of my blog while I was in the pool, for I decided the title needed to be representative of the problem I am deal with, which is emotional eating.  I also realized that what I really want is to be the size I was when I graduated from college.  Can that ever happen?  Should it ever happen?  I don't know, but I am asking God EVERY day to help me, to guide me, to support my efforts.  I know He has a good plan....

No weight loss on the scale again this morning.  Sigh. 

I called and cancelled my appointment with the eye surgeon; I was going to have my upper lids done before the end of the year (25% off regular price...whatever that is).  I decided I am going to lose 30 pounds before having anything done to change how I look, since what I REALLY need is the weight off.  THEN I can determine what else I feel needs to be done.  Who knows?  I may be so happy with my appearance that I will not have anything done.  Or I may say, "What can you do for this face?"

Discovered several blogs on the Internet last night that deal with weight problems.  One of them said, "Food is NOT the answer."  I do believe reading that statement kept me from eating before bedtime.

I had a bowl of puffed wheat with yogurt, sprinkled with flaxseed and cinnamon, for breakfast.  Plus my usual cup of coffee with Pumpkin Spice creamer.  So yummy.  I decided I will NOT give up my creamer.  I do NOT drink my calories; I NEVER have beer, wine, alcohol.  The flavored creamer is my one luxury I allow myself.  I usually get the sugar free to reduce the calories.

Then I had two tablespoons of extra crunchy peanut butter (protein is seven grams) and a glass of skim milk for lunch.  We will see how I do this afternoon....  Took my vitamins and supplements this morning.

I am being really careful about calories.  It takes me forever to shop for food, because I am constantly reading labels.  Pretty shocking what some foods contain, not only in calories but in fat content, chemicals, etc.  But I am learning a lot.

My goal for today is to just keep on truckin.  No cheating.  If you bite it, write it.

Becoming Accountable

I have new marching orders:  starting tomorrow, I have to write down everything I eat AND measure it.  Janet says so.  Then I will report to her each evening.  This should be fun....NOT!

Definitely a good idea, uses sound logic, for I eat WAY too much -- albeit the right stuff.

Made ham, green beans, rice, corn muffins today.  Also made cookies tonight but did not eat any of them and won't.  Guests had some; hubby will have the rest. 

Sweets are not a major temptation for me.  Neither is salty stuff.  For example, while we were playing Mexican Train, hubby put two bowls of potato chips on the table. I did not touch them, and had no real problem with not touching them.  Of course, in the past I would have eaten some of them just because they were there.  So I AM making progress.

Thinking about eating cinnamon every day; it is supposed to reduce appetite.  Probably will; who would be hungry after downing a teaspoon of cinnamon???  Dr. Oz says it works....

I also need to pick up some iodine tablets; should rev up my thyroid and dial down my appetite.

I did not go to the pool today.  Instead, I planted seven agaves and cleaned up the yard.  Raked quite a bit in the rocks.  Good exercise, no fun.  Should have gone to the pool.  Had company all day after I finished cooking so no real time to go to the pool before it closed.

I will be back in the water tomorrow...

No weight loss again today, but I did drink my glass of skim milk.  Actually enjoyed it.  Skim milk is supposed to help you lose a "little bit" of weight.  Hey, I am up for trying whatever works...

I am in a pretty good spot emotionally.  Made lunch for a sick friend.  Glad I was able to do that.  Praying to God that she does not get worse.  She is so weak, she has no strength to fight off anything else.  She is dealing with a urinary tract infection.  Please God, help her out.

Asking God EVERY day to help me with the 30 pounds that are such a burden for me.  Ask, and it shall be given.  Don't know what God has planned, but I know it is going to be good.

Getting exposed to all kinds of ideas....even lap band.  Sounds like I would qualify and it would be covered by insurance.  Probably need to call Dr. Jim Swain at Mayo and see what he says....  I really really want to get slim and fit and healthy.

Power talk

Ever notice how powerful good communication can be?  I have not posted anything in three days because I have been busy talking via Facebook with another person who faces many of the trials and challenges I face concerning weight, good health, and stress.

It feels so good to talk to someone who understands, someone who has gone through some tough times, someone who has been on some rough roads in their life.  Amazing how similar we are.  Granted, our experiences are different, and yet they are still the same in so many ways.

I continue to struggle with food intake.  Eating all the right stuff, just too much of it.  Can't seem to stop myself.  How stupid is that???  What will it take to make me get with the program?  A heart attack?  A stroke? 

I HATE being fat.  I hate it I hate it I hate it.  So why can't I do something about it?  I go to the indoor pool every day and do a full hour of water aerobics.  And I work hard for the full hour.  Other people comment on how hard I work.  Cannot see any results.  The scale says I have not lost a pound.  So I get discouraged, come home and eat to obscure my pain and discouragement.

Not drinking enough water.  Stopped using Crystal Light due to what I have read about artificial sweeteners.  But I think I will start using it again; I drink a LOT more water when I have the flavored stuff available.

Talked to a friend of mine last night via Facebook who is on the Metabolic Research diet; she has lost 33 pounds sincew August 1st.  Awesome.  She said it has been so easy.  I tried Metabolic last year and lost 17 pounds pretty easily, but it was so expensive, plus I did not feel good about going there.  The girls were So into selling more stuff, selling more stuff.  If I do Metabolic again, I will get only the protein packs....I can do my own thing with vitamins.  I know the program, and I don't need their vitamins.

Have to find something that works.  I have started praying to God every day that he help me find a way to lift these 30 pounds from my body.  I know He can do amazing things once WE open the door by asking for what we need.

Wish I knew how to get the word out on this blog. It would be good to interact with some other people who are struggling with weight.  Not sure how to make that happen.  But I need help.  I need someone to interact with, someone to cheer me on, keep me up, etc.

Okay, so what to do?  One, drink more water.  Two, research cinnamon and its impact on weight.  Three, get some capsacian pills.  Four, buy some grapefruit juice and drink it every morning.  Five, order some protein shakes from the compan Jill uses for her diet. 

There, that is a real start.  That will keep me busy.  Also, tomorrow I plan to play a round of golf.  That will be good exercise, and in addition to my pool routine.

Pool exercising is harder with my buddies there.  When I have no one to talk to while I exercise, it seems to take twice as long to get the workout in.  Time just crawls by.  But I hang in there and I do it.

What's eating you?

How much of what we eat is caused by what's eating us? 

I took a great class today at a local college.  The class was on stress, and was it informative!  We were asked to identify the people in our lives who cause us stress, state how long they have caused us stress, and why they cause us stress.  Then we were told the consequences of stress, including its toll on our bodies. 

One impact of stress is depression and self-degradation, which can lead to food addiction, excessive sleep, lethargy, lack of exercise, and DIS-ease. 

Then we were shown how to deal with the stress/stressors in our lives.  Very thought-provoking.  I will deal with the how-to part later.

Does my messy desk make my butt look fat?

My desk is a total mess.  I have many many projects (most of them small) in "process" or started but not finished, or on my desk as an idea and not even started.  But sometimes they pay off....

Today I spent some time looking for $3542.00 that I know belongs to me but don't know where to find it...or didn't know where to find it.  I got a call from a woman who specializes in "finding" lost money for people who own stock or have bank accounts or other assets that they have somehow become "separated from" and lost track of.  Now you are probably wondering how someone could LOSE $3542.00.  Easy.  The post office did not forward the correspondence from this company whose stock I own, and the company would not let me update the address due to some crap concerning proof of ownership.  I had tried repeatedly to get the address updated with no luck.  Anyway, the stock became "abandoned" in the eyes of the law.  So I had a choice of paying this woman 25% of the $3542.00 to get the stock back to me, or I could find it myself.

So I went to work on that.  I figured if she could find it, I could, too.  Took a few hours and some frustration, but I think I found it.  I found SOMETHING that belongs to me that is "in excess of $50.00".  I have to do some paperwork to see if that is in fact the $3542.00.  I am pretty sure it is.  Not a bad day's work.

So what does missing money have to do with weight?  Stress, stress, stress.  Frustration, discouragement, guilt.  Feeling stupid.  All the emotional bullshit that ends up being triggers for me to eat and eat and eat.

I have accomplished incredible things in my lifetime, in my opinion.  I have endured innumerable disappointments. I have been emotionally bruised and abused countless times.  I still I have persevered.  But at a horrible cost:  I eat to cover my sorrows.  

Today I had cereal with skim milk for breakfast.  I added a packet of Sweet N Low, a teaspoon of flaxseed, and several dried cranberries to the bowl.  And I stopped at one bowl!!  Normally, I would have eaten at least two bowls -- just to use up all the milk in the bowl -- but I threw out the milk that was left.  Looked like I threw out most of the flaxseed and the cranberries with the milk (guess I forgot to stir while I ate...) but that is okay.

Worked through lunch until around 2:30 when I had an apple and some peanut butter.  I LOVE peanut butter with fruit!  Cannot have it on bananas since learning that bananas have a high sugar content, so now I have an apple a day with peanut butter.

Then I went to meet a girlfriend for our weekly chat/get together.  We meet once a week to catch up, bitch about our husbands, whine to each other, laugh, cry, talk about new stores in the area -- whatever happens to be on our minds.  And we have a piece of pie.  We started this months ago, and we call it going out for dessert. 

I went to the restaurant with good intentions....  coffee only. 

Didn't work.  I folded like a worn out umbrella.  When my friend ordered pie, I followed.  I did not eat all of it, but I ate more than I should.

On the other hand, I say what the hell.  I work my butt off in the water for at least an hour every day, and I should be able to have one small piece of pie a week and not feel like I blew my weight program.  Dang!

I keep thinking I might be a tad thinner, but each time I get on the scale, it tells me a different story.  I hate it I hate it I hate it!!!!  So frustrating.  I weigh myself every day, hoping the weight will drop.  But it doesn't.    I have a Weight Watcher scale, so I know it is accurate.  With the exception of the weekly piece of pie, I have given up sugar.  I NEVER eat a piece of candy or taste a cookie here at home.  I turn down desserts when I go out to dinner with others or to their homes.  I have virtually eliminated bread from my diet.  I watch my carb intake very closely.  So what is the problem???? 

It must be my messy desk.

Weight Loss: Digging for Answers

I have been trying to lose weight for years.  I took off about 20 pounds a year ago by going on a very low calorie diet and, upon getting off the very expensive protein packs and vitamins that were part of the program, immediately gained the 20 pounds back plus ten more.

I am an emotional eater; that is a given.  I eat and eat and eat and eat, often without realizing what I have eaten.  I have been known to look for the other snack I brought to the couch only to discover that I have already eaten it.  If I start eating out of a bag of nuts or a box of crackers or whatever, I will likely polish off a huge portion of the contents before I realize it.

In the past month, I have made some major changes in my eating habits.  One, I eat no sugar at all if I can help it.  That means no cookies, no candy, no desserts of any kind.  It also means getting things like coffee creamer that are sugar free.  I read labels.  I check calorie count websites to see what fruits (I love virtually all fruits) are high in sugar.  For example, I no longer eat bananas because of their high sugar content.

Also, I have almost cut out all breads.  I no longer have toast, not even the 100 calorie slice type.  I no longer have the sausage biscuits from McDonalds for breakfast.

I am consciously trying to take in more fiber and fewer carbs.

I am also working on portion control, with "working" being the key word here.  I put my nuts (almonds, peanuts, walnuts) into portion controlled snack packs.  The challenge then becomes to eat just one pack....

I have broadened my choices of green and yellow vegetables.  I love salads and have them often, and I have recently added things like yellow and Italian squash.

I know I need to combine good food choices with exercise, so I go to the pool every day and do at least an hour of water aerobics.  I really work while I am in the water.  I use weights, noodles, bands, water gloves.  I recently added interval training to my water routine.

The problem:  with these changes in my life, I have lost zero pounds.  Nada!  Nothing.  Not a single pound.
Very frustrating.  I am discouraged.  And I am open to any and all suggestions.  Anything you can suggest will be considered.  I so want to be 30 pounds lighter and 30 pounds healthier.