Friday, December 31, 2010

Cold Feet and No Relief in Sight

I am here in OR E GONE, where the weather is COLD COLD COLD. These past 48 hours have certainly given me a lot of empathy and admiration for people who have been dealing with deep snow, freezing winds, icy streets, etc.

We left Arizona's 72 degree weather in the middle of the afternoon on Tuesday, drove into California's very wet but decent 50s temperature, and on toward Oregon, hitting the Oregon border mid-morning on Wednesday, only to be greeted with lots of snow and ice and a flashing sign that said, "Chains required from this point on..." There were semi trucks by the dozens and dozens, pulled off to the sides of the road, putting on chains and preparing to enter Oregon. Ditto for automobiles. There was also a bustling business being had by people dressed in orange jumpsuits who were available to install chains for you for $10 per wheel.

The only problem was, we did not have any chains. We decided to chance it anyway and kept going, not heeding the flashing sign telling us we could not do that....only to be stopped shortly inside the Oregon border by the Highway Patrol. My husband explained that we did not have chains but that we have a four-wheel drive SUV. The Highway Patrol guy was great; he simply said, "you've got four-wheel drive. Use it." There was ice and snow everywhere, but Johnny used to work as a professional test car driver, so he is very good in all driving conditions. Additionally, he was part of the Ski Patrol on Mt. Hood for twelve years when we lived in Oregon, so he has had lots of experience driving in snowy conditions.

Southern Oregon was challenging, but we had no problems and continued north throughout the day, arriving at his daughter's house by four in the afternoon. We had stopped Tuesday night in Highland, CA to have a quick dinner with his brother, who told us there was bad weather moving in, so we decided to drive straight through; I drove through California while Johnny slept, and he drove while I slept. We are comfortable with each other's driving, so we really can sleep while the other drives.

I did okay on the trip in terms of food. I had prepared some bottles of watered down chocolate shakes that are 30 calories each, plus I brought along cans of V8, several apples, some almonds, and some Slim Fast 100 calorie bars. The Slim Fast bars are double chocolate and really tasty. Great snack for 100 calories. I screwed up one time on the trip: we stopped at a McDonalds for a pit stop at six or so in the morning after I had been driving all night, and Johnny asked me if I wanted a Sausage Biscuit....and I said yes. Then he said, do you want two? Thank God I said no. I ate that Sausage Biscuit, and I swear that it did not taste as good as I remembered. Unfortunately, I ate it anyway. I blamed my weakness on fatigue. Reeling from the knowledge that the Sausage Biscuit was a lot of calories, I passed on the next food stop and ate only my approved foods the rest of the trip.

It was tough to keep my water levels up. I was ready to beat on my husband because of the problem with potty breaks anyway. He wanted to put me off several times and did. For example, I told him just prior to our approaching The Grapevine (a long winding grapevine type road up and down the mountain) that I needed to stop. He INSISTED that the grapevine took only 15 to 20 minutes and we would stop at the bottom. An hour later, we were still on the Grapevine and he finally stopped. I was ready to scream at him. Then a little later, shortly after we had stopped for gas, he made another stop. I asked, "Why are we stopping so soon?" He said he had to go to the bathroom. I said, "Great. We stop when you need to go, but we keep going when I need to go..." That created a period of silence, but what the heck? It was true. However, he was a little better at stopping for me after that.

Anyway, after ariving and visting his daughter's family and my son's family, we had a good night's rest, which we both desperately needed.

I did some last minute shopping yesterday for my other son's surprise birthday party, and it was great to be there and to see his smile when he saw me there. I had not seen him for six months, and he did not know about the birthday party, nor did he know I was in town; he thought I was coming to Oregon in January. His girlfriend had prepared a great birthday dinner with lots of great appetizers, a really nice dinner, and a birthday cake and ice cream. I managed to pass on the bread, took no seconds of anything, but did have a small piece of birthday cake and some ice cream. I had starved myself all day in preparation for the evening meal, so I think I did pretty well, calorie-wise.

It was so brutally cold when we came out from my son's birthday party. There was ice everywhere: water frozen on the streets, ground and grass frozen, etc. I was wearing a long sleeved shirt and a heavy sweater, but it still felt cold. Woke up to 29 degrees this morning, and it never got much warmer than that. I am not accustomed to this cold since I live in Arizona, so I am not having any fun with the weather.

And so far, my good intentions of walking every day are just that: intentions. As I was shivering and procrastinating this afternoon, I found myself admiring those bloggers who have continued to walk and/or run in winter weather. There are lots of people out walking and running here in Oregon, but the cold is just too brutal for me right now.

I guess I have turned into a wuss.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Good Information Source on Calories

Just went to this website. Very informative. Formatted for printing.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Struggling to Stay on Course

I have not written anything for a couple of days; not sure why. I have been trying to do a better job of following some of my favorite bloggers and have written on their sites, but have neglected any direct soul searching on a conscious level. Probably not a good idea based on what I am seeing so far...

I lost only one pound last week, and that really threw me for a loop. I was more disappointed and discouraged than I had a right to be, which caught me by surprise. Nevertheless, I kind of got caught up in the "poor me" trap: all that hard work, all that deprivation, and for one pound??? Consequently, I found myself on the pity potty for a couple of days and did not take good care of myself.

This weight loss thing is incredibly simple: Find a plan that works (which I have via Allan and the rest of you), and stick to it. That simple. That, and daily exercise. The working out is the extra nudge I need to see a nice drop on the scales. I know how important the water is, I know how important the write before you bite is, I know how important limiting my calories to 1200 a day is, and I know how important exercise is for me. I just have to keep it together and do it faithfully.

We leave tomorrow for a long long drive to the Northwest, where I will spend a month. NOT looking forward to that but need to do it to fulfill a family obligation. Just the thought of leaving the desert and its 70 degree temps for the frigid, damp, cold, windy, achy in my bones Portland, OR weather is a real downer.

I went out yesterday and bought Slim Fast 100 calorie bars so I will have something to eat when I get the munchies during the trip. Since I only get to order food when we need to stop for gas, it is not always easy to keep hunger under control, so I am planning ahead. I will also take several bottles of water with me to get me through between stops.

Then there is the bathroom issue: my husband does NOT like to make pit stops unless he needs gas. This should be an interesting trip....

Friday, December 24, 2010

Just Hanging Out and Lovin' it.

Today is a lazy lazy day, and I am taking it easy. No work to speak of so far; instead, I have played around on the Internet, read and sent jokes, and generally screwed off all day.

Munching on a few carrots and watching the food intake. Pounding the water. Feeling a little "heavy" compared to earlier this week. It is so weird how I can feel "lighter" some days and "heavier" other days during the same week.

Writing down how lazy I have been all day makes me feel guilty. I had better go accomplish something. Merry Christmas Eve, everyone.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Staying the Course When the Path is a Detour From Expectations

Because I had a tough dentist visit yesterday, with lots and lots of novacaine to "try" to numb me up for much drilling and filling in preparation for a crown on a back molar, my body is doing its fibromyalgia trick today. I am sore and achy all over due to the stress and pain associated with the dentist thing. Fillings are always hard for me because the dentist can't get me numb, and they always end up hitting a nerve several times during the procedure, which sends me through the roof momentarily and sends my body into a fibro attack.

I am not stressing about the fibro spell, however, because I have learned what my triggers are: if I get too stressed or too tired, I will invariably have a fibro attack. So I am taking it easy today, drinking lots of water and any other fluid I can think of, and doing "quiet" projects like writing letters and hemming a pair of my husband's pants.

Food is not an option to make me feel better, as it would have been and has been so many times before. I feel sooo good about that.

I also feel really proud of my incredible workout yesterday. I had spent a few days out of the pool fighting a bad cold, and that was a really smart thing to do. My cold is all better, and I felt so strong during my workout yesterday. I had a 1 3/4 hour workout, nonstop exercise, and I don't know that I have ever felt so strong. It was amazing: I was able to do interval training with no problem, even when I really pushed myself. I MUST be getting stronger. And it was great to be able to tell one of my workout buddies that I have lost seven pounds. Yee haw!!

Today, there is no pool workout, so I have been using my free weights and will use my bands. I don't know that those activities burn many calories, but they are great for toning and firming.

I find it hard to use the word calories without chuckling. Thoughts of Allan's post yesterday on calories and the accompanying comments about various activities still cracks me up. Too too funny. I WILL say that his post definitely gave me a new "perspective" about things we can do to burn calories. Now, if I only knew how to measure some of those activities. But I don't want to go there.....I could write a novel....

Back to reality. My husband and I made a decision to not have a big traditional dinner this Chistmas. There are several people we could (and probably should) have over for Christmas dinner, but I am putting my weight program first. If I were to have people over, I would have all kinds of dishes made that I don't need right now. I am not at the point where I feel I am disciplined enough to resist temptation, so I choose to remove myself from the great holiday food banquet. Also, since we are leaving for Oregon two or three days after Christmas, I don't need to deal with the leftovers. How's that for getting out of cooking? Actually, I already bought the turkey. But I will save it for another time.

Today, I will go to Fitness Pal and enter all food BEFORE I eat it. That is a good thing for me to do in terms of helping me stay disciplined. I had been tracking my food in a notebook, then entering it into Fitness Pal at the end of the day. Sometimes, that causes nasty surprises: I am often shocked at how many calories a particular food or serving is, even though I am working very hard on reading labels. So I will take the extra step and time to enter the food into Fitness Pal ahead of time and therefore find out what the caloric price tag is. That way, I can still correct my diet if I need to.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

A Good Day Done

Ah, end of day. Sooo ready for bed. On the advice of Princess Dieter, I stayed in all day and did paperwork projects and took care of my cold, with no exercise at the pool. And I feel better tonight. I even managed to stay under 1200 calories today, with lots of water down the hatch.

Allan is so right: for me, it is critical to blog and to keep writing down what I eat as I eat it. That works so much better for me, for the calories can edge up before I realize it. Even with reading labels, I find I still need to write before I bite. That forces me to think about the wisdom of what I am about to eat. Do I want to eat it, or should I choose something else?

I read somewhere tonight that we should "Close the kitchen down after dinner." Boy, does that make sense. No food available after dinner. If we need something to chew on, there is sugarless gum or sugarless bubble gum. Or simply chug a bottle of water.

Holding on

I have been fighting a miserable cold for three days that has really kicked my butt. I have not exercised, and I think that makes me want to eat, or is that just an excuse? Anyway, the cold might be a tad better today but afraid to go in the pool and make it worse. I do NOT want to be sick for Christmas.

I am working hard this morning on getting rid of some of my stressors: paperwork, half-finished projects, disorganized desk, etc. I HATE disorganization!! Makes me crazy. I have to find a way to get some storage room and some work surface in my study so I can find things and simply have a place to work. Without a place to file things, it is very hard to manage. But the project of getting some cabinets and counter space cannot begin until February. Oh, well.

Time to go fill more water bottles..and kick it up a notch. I can do bands and hand weights. I did a lot of light weights yesterday for toning, but that does not burn many calories. I am staying off the scale for now. I don't need to put myself under additional pressure; I have enough of that, thank you.

I have to pick it up in terms of my "lost" exercise time. I can double my time in the pool; no excuse, once this cold is under control. My goal is to get back in the water. I can do this!! I can burn a lot of calories once I get in there. I know the routine.

For today, I will lean on my blogging buddies for the extra strength I need to feel okay about my journey to wellness.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

A Good Number

I weighed myself when I got up, after three slugs of water and before even stopping at the bathroom, and I am down four pounds for the week!! It seems like it all happened it the last two days. I am sooooooo excited!!

I even dreamed about weight loss last night; in my dream, I was at a normal weight. In my dream, there was a "knowing" inside me that I was "okay", if that makes any sense. And it felt so good.

Are we what we weigh? Heavens, no, but it sure feels that way sometimes. I know with every ounce of me that the feedback from fellow bloggers has helped me immensely to deal with that concept this week; even if I was not aware of it, on some level, there were times this week when I allowed my weight to dictate who I was. And it was ugly. To each of you who took the time to remind me that I am greater than my weight, thank you. Thank you for reminding me to keep the faith. Thank you for believing in me and being there for me when I felt alone.

I hope you have an awesome weigh in and a peaceful day.

Saturday, December 18, 2010


It has been a trudging day, and I am worn out by it.

Had oatmeal with cinnamon for breakfast and by lunch, I was tired tired tired. Because of no protein? I don't know. I had gotten up early to meet with the termite killers, had only one quick cup of coffee, vacuumed amd mopped the kitchen floor, and then headed off to the pool for a 75 minute workout. While I was there, two people commented on how hard I exercise.

On the way home, I realized I was on only my first bottle of water for the day, instead of my fifth, as I should have been. I got home, drank a bottle of water, and had an apple. That got me through until two o'clock, when it was time to meet with a salesman on "radiant barrier" insulation for the attic. The program sounds good, but I need to do some research and see if it is a good investment. I simply don't know. Johnny has no opinion one way or the other.

Once the salesman left, I grabbed a can of V8 and a little bag of peanuts and headed out the door with Johnny to go to Golfsmith. Somehow, I lost my peanuts between the pantry and the car, but unfortunately I did not miss them until we were ten minutes into our trip. I needed those peanuts, and I could not find them anywhere, which made me crazy!! I was weak with hunger. I drank the V8 and turned down John's offer to stop for fast food. Instead, I ate a couple of fiber tablets I found in my purse and drank a bottle of water. I felt half sick to my stomach. I really do not understand how people can go and go and go without food.

We ended up stopping at Subway on the way home for a Roasted Chicken Breast on nine grain wheat bread with extra lettuce, extra green pepper, extra onion, and extra tomato, finished off with salt and pepper and light mayo. I could hardly wait to get home to eat it. I ate the entire 12 inch sandwich!! Then I checked it on Fitness Pal and hated that I had eaten all of it. I was very surprised and disappointed that it was 620 calories. I thought with all the veggies, it would be maybe 400, 450 max. Won't make that mistake again. No matter how many calories I have available, I just don't want to eat anything with that many calories in one fell swoop.

After entering my food into Fitness Pal and seeing I was still under 1200 calories for the day, I expressed my frustration to John at no weight loss this week. To give you a brief background, I have been exercising almost daily (I try for six days a week, rest on Sunday) for nearly three months. I have eliminated sugar from my diet (I cannot remember when I last had a cookie or a piece of candy; I don't even bake anymore so we don't have it around), I have cut way back on carbs (no chips, no Pringles, almost no bread) and have reduced the overall quantity of food I eat -- and I still cannot lose weight!

So I get frustrated, and I get discouraged, and I needed to talk about it tonight. I made the mistake of trying to talk to Johnny about how I was feeling about how difficult it is to see any progress. When I repeated to him what I just said above, his only response was, "Well, there have been some days you have missed going to the gym."

Holy Crap! YES!! Hello!! I "miss" almost every Sunday, because I feel I need a day of rest, a day when I can just stay in my PJs, drink coffee, and read the paper. Instead of encouraging me for all I am doing, he suggested I am not doing enough. In fact, he added, "you need to play golf on Monday." Yep. That would burn some more calories. But what about the things I need to do on Monday, including an ultrasound?

Maybe he is right about my not exercising enough. I went over my Fitness Pal info for the week. Since my last weigh-in on Sunday, I have exercised 375 minutes, and I mean hard, continuous exercise, with interval training incorporated. In addition to the 375 minutes, I have done strength training with bands and with free weights, but I don't keep track of the time I spend on that. Based on Fitness Pal's calculations, those 375 minutes of hard work should net me a loss of just over half a pound. Over six hours of exercise for half a pound?? Is that exciting or what?? NOT!!

Additionally, I have gotten the message twice this week on Fitness Pal that I "am not eating enough calories." And John is worried that I have missed some days of exercise, that I need to cut back more on my eating. Oh, yes, he mentioned that also.

You know, it seems pretty clear to me that, for the most part, many people who have never had serious weight problems simply do not understand what it is like to be obese. They do not recognize the struggle. They don't have a frigging clue how hard it is to keep on keeping on when you cannot see any improvement. They simply cannot appreciate the inner battles we have with discouragement, hopelessness, depression, fatigue, etc. All the emotional shit makes me so tired I can hardly put one foot in front of the other, and I hate it.

I don't know where I am going with this. Just venting, I guess. And that is one of the benefits of writing it all down. You get it out in the open, where it can be dissected and taken apart. And let go let it go, Digger. Let it go.

On a positive note, that conversation with John (if you can call it that) gave me time to get pissed off, feel anger and self-pity, get discouraged, etc. He said I got angry with him because I am upset about my weight.

His comments reminded me that I know better than to try to have a conversation with John on anything I need or want. Thank you for the reminder, John, you insensitive shit. Next time we will talk about your golf game while we watch one of your favorite Western movies. That should be a sure winner, guaranteed to make you happy.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Why do I bother? Stupid is as stupid does.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

It's okay. Tomorrow is another day, and I will make it a good one.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Another Day Gone

Interesting day: I woke with an incredible hunger, which is unusual for me these days. I can usually have a cup of coffee or two, a bottle or two of water, before eating. Not today. Had an apple with peanut butter to calm the hungries but still felt like I wanted to eat. Looked for something else to eat.

I did not want to go to the pool today; I wanted to go back to bed. It was cloudy and rainy -- very unusual for the desert -- but at the appointed time, I got ready and headed out. As I left, I told my husband, I am leaving for the pool so I can get it over with and get back. Not my usual attitude.

Interesting how life surprises us, isn't it. There was a lady in the pool that I know by name and have chatted with before but had not seen for several months. She has severe rheumatoid arthritis, and she has had some serious health problems which have kept her away from the pool. Thank you, God, for my health.

Mary and I spent the entire 75 minutes talking, and the time flew by. Here I had been dreading the workout, and it ended up great. Lesson: just do the work consistently. Stick to the plan. Don't make it harder than it is.

While I was exercising, I noticed a very attractive lady walking around. To be honest, I did not even notice her face; instead, I noticed her slimness, how well her clothes fit, how confidently she walked, how she held her head up. And seeing her reinforced for me how badly I want to look like that. I can remember when I was at 144 pounds, and I felt so good emotionally. So confident, so alive. I want that again.

I stayed under 1200 calories today without much effort, which is a bit of a surprise since I was so hungry this morning. After exercising, I came home and drank a can of V8, and that satisfied me for a couple of hours. I ended up having my salad around 4 in the afternoon, and then we had dinner around 7. I was not tempted even a little to take seconds of anything, and I did not nibble when I put the leftovers away. Feels so good to be able to do the program. Thank you, God.

One thing I am doing different this week is that I am staying off the scale. Before, I would weigh myself every morning, and I let the number on the scale dictate my mood. For whatever reason, I tend to go up three pounds, down three pounds, up four, down two, etc., so I was on a constant roller coaster based on what the scale showed. Now I am writing down everything I eat, consciously thinking about what I eat, and faithfully entering the day's food and water into My Fitness Pal. We will see what happens by week's end.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Going to Create a Road Map

I am exhausted tonight. Long day. But it's all good.

My husband's report on his prostate cancer was very very good. His PSA has "disappeared", so the treatment is working.

I had a 75 minute workout this morning in preparation for the doctor visit. I knew I needed to be ready for whatever the news was. I was NOT prepared to hear that John's PSA was at zero. I did not know that was even possible. But I read the lab report myself. So he will get another injection in March and is to continue doing whatever he wants.

Isn't it interesting how we so often prepare ourselves for bad news instead of expecting great news? Because I was fixated on expecting the worst possible news, I went through a lot of crap I did not need, just worrying about something I have no control over anyway. I need to stop that.

The doctor expressed some concern about the brittleness of Johnny's bones. That is a side effect of the treatment he is on. I need to ask the doctor if there is more we need to do to combat that. I have Johnny on Vitamin D, calcium, fish oil, and flaxseed oil now, which his primary doctor approved. But I suspect we need to do more. I have to check it out.

I am going to use Allan's information for my 'Due Date' and create something that takes me to the end of days. In other words, I will be counting down the days to victory. I just need a clear head and a few moments to figure it out and decide how I can illustrate it on my blog.

I think I went over my 1200 calories today. After we left the doctor, we went out to lunch. I had a chef salad at Village Inn, and it apparently had more calories than I thought it would. Won't make that mistake again. I am learning more and more about food values.

I stopped at Safeway tonight and was kind of looking for the soy ice cream another blogger mentioned. I did not find it, but during the process I checked out several ice creams, sherberts, sorbets, etc. I was AMAZED at how many calories were in the sherberts and sorbets, and it is obvious that the phrase "reduced fat" means very little when it comes to ice cream. They were all fattening, and I did not find the soy ice cream, so I came home with broccoli instead. Also made some ground turkey with some salad spices on it and some cajun spices. Made it really tasty.

Johnny went to bed early. I think he was mentally exhausted. Can't blame him. He is a positive thinker, but these past few days have been tough for him. The "not knowing" is a killer.

There are reminders all around us that life is good, but we sometimes get so caught up in our own drama that we don't see them. We get so busy with our "doing" that we forget about our "being."

In fact, I forgot to ask for God's help with my weight control today. I forgot the three most powerful words in the universe: God, help me.

Tomorrow is a new day, with lots of things that need doing. I will try to begin by being grateful.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Big Day Coming Up

I had a good day today. Stayed under 1200 calories, got a massage, had some time to relax and think about things, and prepare myself mentally for tomorrow when Johnny and I see his urologist.

We found out Johnny had prostate cancer four years ago, and he had his prostate removed, only to find out the cancer was already outside the prostate. The doctor said he did the best he could to get it all. Duh! Of course he did. I guess because I was so emotional and so scared, it never occurred to me to suggest radiation around the prostate site.

Fast forward to 2009. Johnny started having backaches that kept him from playing golf. NOTHING keeps him from the golf course. I insisted that we go check out what was happening. After many tests, everything indicated the cancer was back, except the doctor could not find it. In June of this year, I insisted on a bone scan, and there it was: a tumor showed up on Johnny's spine, which means the prostate cancer has metastisized to his bones. He has completed a six-month treatment of hormone suppression therapy, and tomorrow we will find out what his latest blood test shows in terms of whether his PSA has dropped, leveled off, or kept going up.

Stressful to say the least. And I am an emotional eater. I admit it. But I will face tomorrow when it gets here, together with whatever news comes.
I have said repeatedly since finding out about the bone cancer that I just don't want Johnny to suffer. I can give him up, but I don't know if I can stand to see him suffer. So far, he is doing great. He has little pain, and he plays golf at least four times a week. His attitude is incredibly positive. He also is good at hiding his feelings.

However, when we got the bad news about the cancer being back and the doctor told him he had maybe two years, Johnny said to me, "You'll need to help me with this..."

He knows I worry. Early on, I was asking way too often how he felt, what he needed, etc. He told me, "Don't feel sorry for me. I don't feel sorry for me." And he said tonight, "Well, we will find out tomorrow if I get to see another Christmas on this planet."

Heavenly Father, God, please let us feel your presence tomorrow.

I want to write more, I need to write more. But my heart is heavy, and I need to go be with Johnny. I know his burden is a bit lighter when I am near him.

Now the Weight is Official

Saw the doctor today, and, with clothes on, weighed in at 189.6. So I am officially below that awful number that has a nine in it. And that is exciting.

I suspect that for most people of a certain age, obesity brings a set of related illnesses and/or health conditions. I have high blood pressure and high cholesterol, both of which require expensive prescription medication. I know the extra weight is very hard on my knees, and the belly fat has created fat in my liver and all around where fat should not be, including my heart.

For the past two months, I have made major changes in my diet. I now avoid sugar, which hopefully has helped with the high triglycerides, and I have cut WAAAY back on carbs. I had blood work done this week, but unfortunately, the lab chose to check only my bad cholesterol and my thyroid. No report on my glucose level, my good cholesterol, or my triglycerides. And my doctor won't order more blood work. Says she has no reason to. It would seem that, since I am on medication for high cholesterol, that would justify testing, but noooooo, she says she cannot justify it. The good news is, my bad cholesterol is down from 178 to 114. Woo hoo!!

My doctor is forgetful, and that concerns me a great deal. When I reminded her of her concern earlier in the year with my sugar level and her suggestion that I go for diabetic diet counseling, she insisted I must have had that conversation with someone else. NOT!! And she would not write the order for lab work to test my sugar.

This whole thing simply illustrates to me how very important it is that I have a doctor that I can feel is a partner in keeping me healthy and alive. I want a doctor that will work with me in helping me lose this weight and make healthier choices. I realize I have to do the work, but I think too many times, doctors are in a big rush, trying to meet their daily quota, and, due to insurance rules, restricted from ordering needed tests. And I feel certain it will only get worse as time goes by.

But it's all good. I took three bottles of water with me to my appointment, drank them all, had a really light lunch after a 120 calorie breakfast, and then went to the gym. It was hard work today at the gym. Amazing what adding only a couple of pounds will do. I could definitely tell the difference, and I had to push myself to keep going. But I finished it, baby!! I literally counted the minutes.

I have started doing an extra 10 minutes a day. That is not much, but it just might nudge me into a little faster weight loss.

Does anyone know anything about thyroid readings? My thyroid test came back with T3 at 37%, but I don't know if that is bad or good. T4 reading was 6.4 mg/dl and FTI was 2.4. The good doctor would not explain any thing, other than to say I was in a "normal range."

I WILL find a way to get my cholesterol and glucose tested....

Monday, December 13, 2010

Stopping at One Piece of Pizza

Johnny surprised me by coming home from golf and asking if I wanted to join him and his buddies for dinner. I said yes and ended up at a pizza parlor. They ordered Philly sandwiches and pizza, and I ordered a large green salad, no croutons, no cheese, dressing on the side. Picked off the olives that were a surprise. Used less than half of the dressing. Cleaned my plate.

I had one piece of pizza and stopped there. Not sure what the caloric value of the piece was, and Fitness Pal is down for maintenance, but I feel quite sure I am under my 1200 calorie limit. Breakfast was two reduced fat string cheeses at 60 calories each for a total of 120 calories. Lunch was broccoli at 120 calories. Snack was a chocolate skinny shake at 100 calories. Add in 60 calories for coffee creamer, 200 calories max for the salad (maybe less; it was iceberg lettuce), the pizza at 500 calories (cannot imagine it would be more than that...)and 30 calories for Crystal Light for a total of 1130 for the day.

Feels good to be able to go out to eat and stop at one piece of pizza but what really rocks is staying under 1200 calories for the day. By sticking to the plan and drinking the water (145 oz today so far), plus exercising, my week is off to a good start. Thank you, God. Thank you, blogging buddies that let me benefit from your experience and ideas.

I cannot let Ms. grouchy doctor mess up my day tomorrow. I have a plan, and I will work my plan. If she works with me, great. If she doesn't, she is history. No sweat either way. I have to put me first.

Recipe for Fettucine Alfredo from Biggest Loser

Just saw this on an email from Prevention (I think), and it sounds pretty good. Worth considering if you love fettucine like I do.

(Nov. 8, 2005) -- Reality television dieters Shannon, Andrea, and Suzy endured challenges, temptations, and televised weigh-ins in order to become the three female finalists on NBC's hit show, The Biggest Loser.

While their drive and perseverance may have elevated them to superhero status to the 10 million people watching, these ladies still had to confront the very mortal challenge of learning to cook healthy (and delicious) recipes for themselves and their families.

Below, the three women share with us some of their favorite Biggest Loser recipes from the ranch.

Suzy's Fettucine Alfredo
1 small spaghetti squash (about 2 pounds)
1 Laughing Cow Light Herb
and Garlic cheese
2-4 Tbsp crushed garlic

I Can't Believe It's Not Butter spray (to taste)
2 Tbsp light Parmesan cheese
4 4-oz cooked chicken breasts
4 c broccoli, steamed

1. Cut squash in half, lengthwise. 2. Remove seeds with a spoon or fork. 3. Wrap each half in plastic wrap and put both halves in microwave for 6-11 minutes, depending on size. 4. Remove squash halves from microwave, let sit with wrap on for 1-2 minutes. 5. Put Laughing Cow cheese in bottom of large bowls and smoosh it around. 6. Scrape out insides of squash gently with a fork and put in bowl on top of cheese. 7. Add garlic and stir ingredients well. 8. While stirring, add butter spray to help blend ingredients. 9. Slowly sprinkle Parmesan cheese and stir. 10. Add cooked chicken breasts and steamed broccoli and voila-- fettucine Alfredo!

Makes 4 Servings Per Serving: 310 cal, 36 g pro, 24 g carb, 7 g fat, 2.5 g sat fat, 90 mg chol, 2 g fiber, 710 mg sodium

Just Checking in

Can't believe I have let the entire day go by without accomplishing very much. And I am only on my sixth bottle of water, which means I am only halfway where I need to be by end of day. It could be a wet evening...

I did go to the pool and did the most intense interval training I have done to date. Worked out for over an hour. Rewarded myself by stopping to see a friend who is not doing well healthwise, but she was in the shower. Just talking to her husband about Barb and all her health issues reminded me of how very lucky I am and how thankful I am that my only physical challenge right now is weight and its consequences. Thank you, God.

Spent time thinking about how much I am learning from reading other people's blogs. Allan's has been outstanding, especially on the lap band thing. Scares me to think I actually considered that surgery. I wonder how many people really do the research before having the surgery. Pretty scary... especially for desperate people.

And I love how Beth spells out her food. She counts every calorie, even the vitamins. I like that she lists what she eats. ANd it gives me ideas for what I can eat without piling on the calories.

I have started using My Fitness Pal to make myself more accountable. Pretty shocking sometimes when you see the calories add up. My Fitness Pal has given me the knowledge to make better choices in terms of meals and snacks, and I am just beginning. The more I learn, the better I will do.

I am doing really well in the food department today, although I feel hungry. I had two reduced calorie string cheeses for breakfast and a full package of frozen broccoli for lunch for a total of 240 calories so far. Trying to stay away from the almonds now I that have calculated the fat content as well as the calories. Ditto for Jif Extra Crunchy peanut butter. Just cannot afford to eat much of that either. Sure love it.

Ever feel like the world is ganging up on you? I went to my Facebook page and saw that my CPA is advocating some new candy from Hersheys; she swears it is the most delicious thing she has tasted in a long time. I have had NO Christmas candy, nor do I intend to. Ditto for cookies. Nada. None.

I have a doctor appointment tomorrow. It will be interesting to see what my cholestrol readings are now that I have been exercising faithfully for over two months and have cut out the sugar and most of the carbs. I hope a glucose reading is in that report also, for there should be a big difference. And I have already decided that if my doctor gives me any crap, it will be so long to her. I refuse to have an adversarial relationship with my primary care doctor. Life is too short.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

I'd Better Not Do THAT Again!


I totally blocked out that I had a dinner salad with grilled chicken breast last night. No wonder I did not lose any weight yesterday. I was 300 calories over my limit!! Duh!

At least now I know what I did... I am trying to log everything that goes into my mouth, but, since we ate out last night, I did not have my journal with me and therefore simply spaced the entire dinner.

Glad I have My Fitness Pal to keep me focused. Good tool. Especially if you use it. Duh!

But I am learning.

Also learned today that I was WAY off on my Crystal Light calories. Instead of the 3 calories I thought a packet contains, it is 30. 30!! Another little adjustment. Not the direction I wanted, but keeping it honest. Knowledge is power.

Baby steps, Digger, baby steps.

I Cannot Get Discouraged for Long!

I cannot allow myself to get discouraged about my rate of loss, and that means I cannot compare myself to anyone else. As Allan says, I just have to work the program. "If the process is sound, the outcome is very predictable." That is what I must focus on. That, and water water water.

In reading some of the blogs today, I see that people are worried about losing ONLY a pound a week. I agree totally: I want it ALL off, right now. And yet, at 1200 calories a day, it could take me forever, or that is how it feels. So I have to drink more water, eat less, and move more. Seems simple enough. So time to get off my fat butt and MOVE.

I looked in the mirror this morning and felt that I look a bit smaller. Then I turned sideways....nope; my belly fat is still all there. So time to leave the pity potty and DO something.

Nine bottles of water down the hatch now. And I am just getting started.

Have not figured out the snack thing yet. Seems if I put any food in my tummy, it hurts. Maybe eating it too fast because I am hungry. Maybe the food is banging against the sides of my stomach because it is empty -- or does the water stay in there long enough to soften the blow?

Wondering about cider vinegar; does taking some each day help with appetite? I need to research that.

Oh! The most amazing thing just happened: my stomach growled!! That means it is empty. Praise the Lord!! That is what I'm talking about. Now I need to keep it that way -- with the exception of water, of course.

I may just have to keep posting today. Whatever it takes to keep from eating. The end justifies the means... I will take weight loss any way I can get it, and I prefer it fast!!

Where Does it Come From?

I was just reading about Elizabeth Edwards's funeral and how there were people there, representing a CHURCH, carrying signs that said, "Thank God for breast cancer." Where does that kind of thinking, that kind of mean spirit, come from? I thank God that I cannot IMAGINE that kind of hatred for another human being.

That there are actually church members in our country that show up and funerals and spew their hatred, whether it be for homosexuality or people of a different color, or whatever, simply blows my mind. What must their perception of God be? I wonder what kind of life experiences they have had that would lead them to this path? Heavenly Father God, touch their hearts and their minds and let them feel Your love, Your spirit.

Poor Elizabeth Edwards. She struggled with so much, including a weight problem. In so many areas, she was all of us. So human, so frail in so many ways, and yet so strong. She kept on keeping on, and maybe that is the lesson for each of us, regardless of our struggle, whether that struggle is with an illness, a heartache, a disappointment, a setback, a crazy world that we don't understand. We each have a set of burdens to carry, most of which we don't get to choose. What we Do get to choose is how we carry them. Thank you, Elizabeth, for showing us the way.

No Hypnosis at $1400!

Feeling pretty desperate about my weight yesterday, I checked into the idea of hypnosis. I have been contemplating hypnosis since seeing an ad for a local doctor who also does hypnosis for weight control. They want $1400 for the treatment!! Holy Cow! I don't have that kind of money; if I did, I would probably go to a fat farm or something.

So I am back to me. I have to do the work. I am pounding the water and feeling a bit discouraged. Maybe I have seen too many ads that promise the loss of 10 pounds the first week, blah blah. Did not happen for me. I felt I had a couple of really good days this week, and some not so good, and then two that were terrible. I am now under the dreaded 190 mark, but can I stay there? I SOOOOO want to get healthy. And this is hard work.

But I will keep pumping the fluids. Already have over 50 ounces down for the morning. Time to get back to work. Drink drink drink while I fix hubby some breakfast. NO FAT sausages for me, thank you.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Ho-hum, Not Quite as Easy as I Thought....

Today was a bit more challenging; I got hungry. Not sure what was different, because I really pounded the water big-time, but by late afternoon, I was thinking about food, and as the minutes and hours wore on, I became fixated on the cravings in my head. I say head because I don't think I was that hungry physically; instead, it was my memory going back to nasty habits of eating all day long.

I kept drinking away, did not do as well as I wanted, but another day is behind me. Come on, January 2nd!

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Feeling Strong

Today was my first day of being part of Allan's Challenge, and the day went really well. Surprisingly, it was easy to avoid eating, even though I went shopping. Several times, I actually picked up cookies (!!) and bought some for hubby. But I stayed strong, and I am under 1200 calories and have one bottle of water to go for the day. Not a bad start.

What was really interesting about today is how I did NOT think about food most of the day. Also, I was not really hungry. While getting a massage, I heard Vio's stomach growling, but not mine. Lovin' it!!

Tomorrow I will go to the pool and work hard hard hard. I will make this work, and I am so encouraged by the blogs I have discovered. Allan's help is incredible, and Beth and Princess are giving me good encouragement. I feel very blessed. Please God, continue to help me. Help me with strength and courage and will-power and discipline and gratitude and awareness of my potential to be healthier.

I saw my cardiologist today, and he wrote the order for the lab to test my thyroid, including T3. Woo hoo!! I am eager to get the results to see if my thyroid medication is inadequate, as I believe it to be. Good thing the doctor agreed with me on the blood test, because Mayo Clinic turned me down on my request for an appointment with an endocrinologist there.

I will get this all figured out, and I will be so much healthier for my efforts. I can do whatever is required to drop 20 pounds, and that will have me so pumped that I will want to drop 20 more. Yes!!!!

Feeling Strong. Thank you, God!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Going Full Speed in Reverse

What a crappy couple of days. While I sit here shaking my head in disbelief and disgust, my brain is racing to figure out the next step.
And the next step has to be to pick my fat butt up and start again.

The best laid plans don't always work, do they? My plans for this week in terms of weight management have gone to hell in a handbasket, along with my attitude. Failure makes me pissy and moody and cynical. Failure also makes me feel pain, remorse, self-disgust, and more.

I have to turn it around. I know what I have to do. I just need to find the heart to do it. For now, a good night's sleep (hopefully) that will do wonders for my attitude and mood.

Please God, help me get it together again.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Operation Drop the Bombs on Fat Begins Tomorrow

Ready or not, here it comes: water, water, and more water mixed with protein shakes and a few morsels of food here and there.

My Skinny Shakes arrived today, right on time. I have all the low down on how to chow down on tons of water (water is my friend...)first thing in the morning, have a decent breakfast, and then begin replacing some meals with liquid shakes full of good vitamins, plenty of protein, and few calories added in just for the fun of it.

It will be an interesting first day, given that I am playing 18 holes of golf in the mid morning and then having eight people over here for lunch aftewards. The Arizona heat and low humidity will take care of the liquids without too much problem on the golf course, and it is up to me to take care of behaving myself once I get home to the ham sandwiches, chips, and other not-to-be-touched goodies. I can do this.

In preparation for missing the pool tomorrow, I worked out an extra 45 minutes today. And the way I play golf, I will burn a lot of calories tomorrow on the course. And it's all good. I am going to get rid of this fat, and I will take whatever comes in stride.

I want to be part of Allan's Challenge but, so far, I have not gotten any info from him on what to do or how to do it. Maybe I did not give him what he needed. I am new at all of this, including blogging, so I may have screwed up something. Nevertheless, tomorrow is the day.

Wish me luck.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Go the Distance

I did it. I made myself go to the gym and did a good hour of working out. I made it happen. I could have talked myself out of it and made all kinds of excuses, but I got ready and walked out the door and on to the gym.

Came home and had leftover salad. Hungry right now, but better get used to it if I am going to lose this weight, right? Whoever said you can lose weight and feel full must have been eating something other than salads....

Right now, a big dish of ice cream would taste great. It has been so long since I had any.....but even longer since I was at a healthy weight.

I know lots of Americans go to bed hungry, and tonight, I am one of them.

But I am so excited!! I have found, via this blog, links to some great information from others who are also working hard to get fit and healthy, and there is so much good stuff out there! Lots of smart people writing of their experiences and knowledge. I won't have to do this by myself.

Saturday blahs?

Woke up feeling sluggish this morning; turned over and slept in. Now I don't want to go to the pool at my regular time. Fighting with myself: do I go anyway? Do I finish the laundry first? Do I make excuses?

Had eggs for breakfast and am on second cup of coffee; that should get the blood moving and kick me out of park and into drive.

Had my FIRST comment EVER on my blog! It actually happened 11/30, but I did not see it until last night. Made me happy.

Will finish my Christmas shopping this weekend. Will be nice to have THAT off my plate. Need to find a gift for my son's birthday. He has everything, and nothing means much to him, so I may go the old gift card route... kind of a cop out, but nothing else comes to mind.

I did not get on the scale this morning. I made the mistake of doing that last night....after my great workout yesterday, the scale showed a gain of over three pounds. Crap! I saw the dreaded number again. Discouraging.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Telling it Like it Is

Just discovered an incredible blog: This guy is for real. It is going to be incredibly helpful for me to be able to read what he writes, because he does not mince words. He is aware of what his weight is doing to his life span, and he is focused on fixing that and only that. Hmmm. I like that approach. I have been trying all the sensible rational things I know to do, whereas, from what I gather from reading this guy's blog, he says, "lose the weight at any cost."

That is obviously working for him. Jill's shakes will arrive here on December 6th, so I feel I have two more powerful tools to use to get this weight off NOW. In the meantime, I will keep on exercising every day.

What is happening to me makes no sense. I exercise daily, I eat the right things, and I eat much less of what I do eat. So why no weight loss??? That simply does not compute. How can I cut out sugar, bread, and reduce quantity of intake, add exercise, and not lose? You tell me!! I don't get it. The only thing that makes sense is that, due to the changes I have made, I am no longer GAINING weight, and since I am not losing any weight, I am still taking in too many calories. So I have to cut calories even more if I want to lose. Or up my activity. Adding the shakes and the program that goes with them will DRASTICALLY lower my caloric intake. We will see what happens then, fat butt.

Wow. Just writing those words down -- the reason for no weight loss -- makes me say "duh!" How many weeks have I been crying about no weight loss? How hard is it to figure out that I have still been taking in too many calories? That is the reason I have to journal, the reason that if I bite it, I write it. Stupid stupid stupid!!!

Prayed to God to help me again tonight and asked for forgiveness for not remembering to pray earlier in the day. I think I will also ask him for the ability to use the brains He gave me. Duh!!

Okay, I have beat myself up pretty badly these past couple of minutes, so let's find something good: when I work out, I now do interval training as part of my program. I started doing that maybe two weeks ago. I am amazed at what I am able to do versus what I could do when I first started. I definitely have more energy, and I can "hustle" as a walker goes around all four sides of the track as opposed to one side that I started with. I am proud of that. When I started doing the interval training, it was hard to keep it up long enough for a designated walker to cover one side of the track. Now I can do four. Yeah, baby!!

Getting There???

Had a healthy breakfast of Rice Krispies and skim milk with banana and Splenda. Only one helping, not two, as I might have done in the past -- just because there was still milk in the bowl.

Felt really really stressed all morning after breakfast. I really don't know why. No patience and feeling overwhelmed. Maybe just missing my sister and knowing I won't see her for perhaps a very long time. Wishing we were tight like we used to be. Makes me sad that we are not. Wish I knew what changed...

Got my termite problem under control; the little buggers will be Termidored on December 17th, and then it is bye bye termites. Trevor at Amera is very good and stands behind his work.

Then off to the pool for a good workout. No one was there! But I still managed to do what I needed to do without feeling like the minutes were dragging. The interval training is getting much easier. I am also spending more time "dog paddling" to work my legs more. It feels like it uses a lot of energy, so perhaps it does. Who knows? Maybe one day all this working out will show up on the scale.

Got back from working out and prepared a nice healthy salad and had two small bowls for lunch. Then had some almonds for protein. Turned down an offer of a SW chicken salad from McDonalds because I was not sure it would fill me up. Went for the make-my-own version, minus the chicken, since none was cooked.

Tried to make an appointment with a new doctor. No go; he is only seeing Medisun insured patients. Bah humbug. That is different. So I am back to square one. But I WILL find a doctor!!

Got lots of good info from Jill, and I intend to use it to get this weight off. It is killing me, both figuratively and literally.

Got an invite to a dinner Sunday night. Do not want to go but may have to if I cannot beg off. Easier to control what I eat when I cook myself. Went out for dinner the other night to TGI Fridays and had a steak and broccoli and steamed veggies, most of which was broccoli. lol. That is okay. Took me a long time to eat it since the steak was not very tender and the broccoli was barely cooked at all.

Read somewhere that people with hypothyroidism should not eat broccoli or cauliflower. There go my two main veggies, other than lettuce and spinach.

Getting my head together to do some more organizing. I think I am ready.
Who knows? Maybe I will be able to test out the "Does having my office organized make my butt look smaller?" theory yet.

My Response to Jill's Suggestions

Since there is probably some good "Stuff" in here, I will save it in my blog for reference.

Jill, thank you so much for taking the time to give me that good info. Most of it is not surprising.

I have already cut out desserts and sugar and bread; did that two months ago. Also do not eat white potatoes or sweet potatoes but do eat yams; yams are very low in sugar whereas sweet potatoes are very high. However, some stores don't know the difference between sweet potatoes and yams, so I may cut those out as well.

I rarely eat peas but love them; however, I will cut them out entirely. Can't remember the last time I ate corn, so no problem there. I eat lots and lots of salads with chicken. I also will add boiled eggs if I don't have chicken ready. We eat a lot of chicken and I always have it in the freezer and generally have some cooked in the fridge for salads. Johnny loves it on sandwiches, so that makes it easy.

I have not feel "miserable" full for a long time, although I know what you mean. I used to eat until I was so full I was miserable. Don't do that anymore.

I have here on my desk the name of a doctor who hypnotizes people to help them lose weight, but I think I will wait to contact him now that I have your info. I will try to use the shakes and see how that works out.

My snack of choice is nuts, primarily raw almonds, so pure protein and no salt on them. Does your diet say anything about almonds?

Sounds like the diet is a very low sugar, low carb diet with upper limit of 1000 calories a day. Is that correct?

What I have been so diappointed in is that I exercise HARD for at least an hour virtually EVERY day, and I have not lost a single pound, even though I gave up sugar, breads, starches, etc. The one thing I did NOT give up is fruit, although I stopped eating bananas and switched to apples. I have now given up apples as well. But why can't I lose any weight??? A girl who started working out the same time I did and does not work out nearly as often as I do has lost 26 pounds in the same period of time that I lost zero pounds. I have an underactive thyroid, and that may have something to do with it, plus the other meds I take. I have an appointment with an endocrinologist in January, but that is too long to wait. I have to try something now.

Thanks for all the info, very helpful.

Anything else you can think of to tell me, I am open to it. I am not going to order the vitamins right now. I have a good stock of vitamins on hand, and I know what I need to take.

Stay in touch.

Help from Jill

This is a note from Jill, telling me about the program she is on. She has lost 38 pounds so far, so the diet obviously works for her.

Jill said,

Did you order the vitamins too?? You will need those if you are doing this full blown....

Breakfast is a shake...whenever/whatever time you need it to be. You have 2 shakes/day for meal replacements. You are allowed 6-8 oz of protein a day and at least 4 cups up to 6 cups of veggies a day.

I found that if I have a shake for breakfast, then half my protein/veggies for lunch, a shake around 2:30 and then the rest of my protein and veggies for dinner, I don't get as hungry as I did if I just did 2 shakes during the day and try cramming in all the protein and veggies at dinner.

For snacks, you can have sugar free (not 'no sugar added') but sugar free cookies (whatever the serving size is on package, only 2 servings a day of those)..or sugar free pudding or jello.

Limit your salad 2 tbspns a day. I will eat a can of tuna sometimes for my protein and add some salt (very little) and pepper and a tablespoon of favorite right now is to bake a chicken breast ( I will make a few at a time and save them), slice up a tomato and that's yummy. You can use Mrs. Dash's no salt flavorings on your protein...

No breads, dairy, potatoes. No corn or peas. No cheese....and absolutely NO FRUIT (until you get to goal weight then we can add those back in slowly)....

Sugar free gum helps me they have the sugar free dessert strawberry shortcake, key lime pie and chocolate mint ice cream made by Extra! If I get a sweet tooth, I pop one of those in but I make sure to keep gum in the house, in my purse, etc. It saves me a lot!! I also brush my teeth sometimes and that takes my cravings away.

LOTS of water...I drink about a 1/2 gallon-1 gallon a day. You can have unsweetened tea and coffee just make sure to use splenda and you can have sugar free creamer (vanilla is my favorite and I buy it in the powder form).

The vitamins are 5 a day. They help give your body what you are not giving it in the lack of foods like the calcium, etc.

They do NOT want you to exercise the first 2 weeks on the program because you are only consuming about 1,000 calories....until your body gets used to it. You can lose about 10 pounds or up to your first week alone....

I have fell off a bit, but restarted a couple days ago. Luckily my weight did NOT go up but it didn't go down either...I maintained. It's a lifestyle change but I don't miss being sleepy all the time and 'weighed' down....

I notice I eat a lot different when I'm not 'following' it 100%....if I go to dinner, I order a house salad (no cheese, or croutons) and dressing on the side. I order either grilled or baked chicken, or salmon. Fresh broccoli or green beans as my side....and I order water. Water is free, but tea costs you like $2.50....tea and coffee count as water but water is the best for you and no cost.

I sometimes will order a grilled chicken salad if we go somewhere or when we go to Wendy's for a treat to the kids, I order a house salad and a just a plain grilled chicken will amaze you how you will feel full but not miserable....

Also, NO CARROTS...sometimes you can't order w/out carrots, so I just pick them out the best I can. Did you make a copy of that paperwork when you had it?? It tells you the proteins you can have and veggies....

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Reading the map

I have not been on here for a few days, and have also been avoiding the scale for the past few days.  I think I have been letting the scale dictate my attitude, and I know that has to stop.  I will just keep doing my exercises, eating healthy, doing research, praying for help every day, etc.

Made an appointment with an endocrinologist to see if I can get some insight into why I am not losing.  Also decided to cut WAY back on fruit (natural sugar, but still sugar....), and ordered some shake mixes that Jill uses.  She has lost 38 pounds on her diet.  Oh, to lose 38 pounds.  I would be in hog heaven!!!

My sister says she cannot see that I look like I have lost any weight; I was hoping to hear something like, "Even though it does not show on the scale yet, you are looking better..."  Not to be.  But that is another story...not sure of the details yet.

Not sleeping.  Have to fix that.  Not sure what is going on.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Screwing Up Big Time

Crap!  I really screwed up tonight: I ate five (FIVE!!!) cornbread muffins.  Stupid stupid stupid.

I made bean soup this afternoon and made the corn muffins to go with the soup.  I made 12 muffins, since my sister and her husband were here for dinner, plus my husband, and I planned to send some soup and muffins to a friend and her husband.  That is two muffins each, right?

I ate my two muffins for dinner with my bean soup, and it was all wonderful.  I was proud of myself for not taking a second bowl of soup.  I sent four muffins to my friends, and yet, somehow, after everyone was finished with dinner, there were five muffins left in the basket.  I KNEW as I put them in a plastic bag that I should have thrown them out.  I KNEW I was going to eat them.  Damn damn damn.  Stupid of me.  Now I will have a horrible weigh-in in the morning and will have to work my ass off to take off the calories I managed to put on tonight. 

There are times I wish I were anorexic; I wish I could put my finger down my throat and bring up all my screw-ups after the fact.

Not a whole lot I can do about it now.  I guess the lesson is don't make the damn bread in the first place!  I have been doing absolutely wonderful in terms of not eating the wrong thing.  I cannot believe I allowed myself to sit there and eat and eat and eat until all five muffins were gone.  Thank God I did not add butter or jelly to them....

I don't know why this weight loss is so hard for me.  What am I missing???  I feel that if I could just see some results on the scale, it would help me so much.  I work out day after day and see NO CHANGE on the scale.  Very discouraging.

My husband told me today that I look like I have lost weight from behind.  That sounded great.  I later asked my sister if I look like I have lost weight in my rear, and she said, "Not really."  Sigh.... I guess I set myself up for that one.  No chance of getting a compliment or encouragement from her.  And that is interesting....not sure what is going on. 

I HAVE to keep working my program.  Going to the pool every day.  Working hard doing water aerobics for at least an hour.  However, I need to add something.  I should either walk for fifteen minutes before I go to the pool or work on free weights or something for 15 minutes before I do my water routine.  Something HAS to make the scale move.



Friday, November 26, 2010

Tough Workout

Today's workout was hard hard hard.  Not sure why.  I counted the minutes, but I finished it, baby!  It is always harder for me to work out when I don't know anyone else in the pool.  Time seems to d-r-a-g.... by, and that was the case today.

The good news:  I was not over the top on the scale this morning!  Woo hoo!  I am praying to God every day for guidance, for discipline, for assistance, for courage in this battle I am in with weight.  There is one dreaded number I hope to NEVER see again, and, thanks be to God, it was not there, even the morning after Thanksgiving dinner with its pound of sugar in the sweet potatoes and pecan pie.  It was taking NO second helpings that saved me.

I am now working on my second "bracelet" in the Get Fit program at Adobe Spa.  I filled my first punchcard with workouts, and now I have two on my second card.  You go, girl!  I desperately want to see some progress on the scale, and that is not really happening yet.  However, I suspected/felt that maybe I had lost a tiny bit in my belly area, so I put on a pair of slacks that were absolutely too too tight in the waist -- to the point that I could not wear them a month ago -- and while they are still tight, I could button them if I had to.  So something IS happening; maybe I am getting rid of some fat and adding some muscle.  Wouldn't that be nice?

Still fighting this lousy cold of five weeks' duration, so I am a bit low on energy.  However, I am moving toward adding "something" to my workout program.  I will either add 15 minutes of walking or 15 minutes on free weights to my water aerobics program.  Janet says I have to "fool" my body occasionally -- or did she call it "tweeking"?  At any rate, I am almost ready to do that.  Just felt a bit too tired today to begin that.

But I am keeping on, and that is what matters right now.  Reading some other fat people's blogs has also helped.  Several of them say "toss the scale" or "stay away from the everyday weigh-in".  I am inclined to think they are right, since a single meal with too much salt or something can blow up into a two or three pound gain on the scale overnight, which is so very discouraging.  I used to teach "if the process is sound, the outcome is predictable."  So if I keep exercising faithfully, I will lose weight.  And I cannot minimize that I have cut out sugar and most simple carbs from my diet.  NO bread, not even yesterday at Thanksgiving dinner.  If I am going to blow calories, it will be on something very special, like homemade pecan pie.  Now, THAT was worth it.  And I was back on the program today.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

One difference

I read on another blog that I could/should try to do one thing different today to help me reach my weight goal.  So today there will be NO peanut butter for me.  In fact, I have to do some checking on sugar levels in the apples I eat daily.  SOMETHING is keeping me from losing weight.  I have cut out ALL sweets (to the best of my knowledge), ALL breads, all white potatoes, etc.  I exercise daily.  But NO weight loss.  Nada.  Not a pound.  Sooooo discouraging.  What's going on???

For today, Thanksgiving Day, I will be thankful for my health, for my life, for my family, for my country, for God in my life.  So much to be thankful for.  And I may throw my scale away and just focus on doing what I believe are the right things to do to get healthier.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Tired and tired of it

Spent most of the day in bed after taking a teaspoon of dry cinnamon and nearly choking in the process.  I definitely have to find a new way to take cinnamon.  Just too too dusty going in dry.

Ate very lightly throughout the day (coffee in the morning, cereal with yogurt in the early afternoon, then chicken soup and an apple for dinner.  Then a quarter cup of peanuts. Drank lots of water today.  Still feel hungry.  May have some peanut butter before I call it a day and go back to bed.

No exercise today.  Did not feel like it. My cold is still hanging on, and I am in the middle of a fibro attack.  Hate it when that happens....

Feel very fortunate that I found some blogs from other people struggling with weight.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Done for the day

I am heading off to bed before I weaken and eat something I should not.  I have unfortunately gotten into the habit of eating around nine or ten at night -- after I have already had a good dinner.  That has to stop.
Thank you, Janet, for making me accountable.

Getting Focused

Last night I had my first teaspoon of cinnamon....pretty dusty going down.  But it stayed down, and that is a plus.  We will see if Dr. Oz knows what he is talking about when he says cinnamon helps with weight loss.  I was not sure when to take it, so took it late evening.  Had a hard time getting to sleep, but don't know if the cinnamon was a factor.  More research needed.

Today I start journaling everything I eat.  I have a nurse friend who has agreed to be my health coach.  So now I need to measure and journal everything I eat.  That should slow my mouth down from taking in so much unneeded food.

Drinking my glass of skim milk now that I am back from my hour of water aerobics.  Decided to change the title of my blog while I was in the pool, for I decided the title needed to be representative of the problem I am deal with, which is emotional eating.  I also realized that what I really want is to be the size I was when I graduated from college.  Can that ever happen?  Should it ever happen?  I don't know, but I am asking God EVERY day to help me, to guide me, to support my efforts.  I know He has a good plan....

No weight loss on the scale again this morning.  Sigh. 

I called and cancelled my appointment with the eye surgeon; I was going to have my upper lids done before the end of the year (25% off regular price...whatever that is).  I decided I am going to lose 30 pounds before having anything done to change how I look, since what I REALLY need is the weight off.  THEN I can determine what else I feel needs to be done.  Who knows?  I may be so happy with my appearance that I will not have anything done.  Or I may say, "What can you do for this face?"

Discovered several blogs on the Internet last night that deal with weight problems.  One of them said, "Food is NOT the answer."  I do believe reading that statement kept me from eating before bedtime.

I had a bowl of puffed wheat with yogurt, sprinkled with flaxseed and cinnamon, for breakfast.  Plus my usual cup of coffee with Pumpkin Spice creamer.  So yummy.  I decided I will NOT give up my creamer.  I do NOT drink my calories; I NEVER have beer, wine, alcohol.  The flavored creamer is my one luxury I allow myself.  I usually get the sugar free to reduce the calories.

Then I had two tablespoons of extra crunchy peanut butter (protein is seven grams) and a glass of skim milk for lunch.  We will see how I do this afternoon....  Took my vitamins and supplements this morning.

I am being really careful about calories.  It takes me forever to shop for food, because I am constantly reading labels.  Pretty shocking what some foods contain, not only in calories but in fat content, chemicals, etc.  But I am learning a lot.

My goal for today is to just keep on truckin.  No cheating.  If you bite it, write it.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Becoming Accountable

I have new marching orders:  starting tomorrow, I have to write down everything I eat AND measure it.  Janet says so.  Then I will report to her each evening.  This should be fun....NOT!

Definitely a good idea, uses sound logic, for I eat WAY too much -- albeit the right stuff.

Made ham, green beans, rice, corn muffins today.  Also made cookies tonight but did not eat any of them and won't.  Guests had some; hubby will have the rest. 

Sweets are not a major temptation for me.  Neither is salty stuff.  For example, while we were playing Mexican Train, hubby put two bowls of potato chips on the table. I did not touch them, and had no real problem with not touching them.  Of course, in the past I would have eaten some of them just because they were there.  So I AM making progress.

Thinking about eating cinnamon every day; it is supposed to reduce appetite.  Probably will; who would be hungry after downing a teaspoon of cinnamon???  Dr. Oz says it works....

I also need to pick up some iodine tablets; should rev up my thyroid and dial down my appetite.

I did not go to the pool today.  Instead, I planted seven agaves and cleaned up the yard.  Raked quite a bit in the rocks.  Good exercise, no fun.  Should have gone to the pool.  Had company all day after I finished cooking so no real time to go to the pool before it closed.

I will be back in the water tomorrow...

No weight loss again today, but I did drink my glass of skim milk.  Actually enjoyed it.  Skim milk is supposed to help you lose a "little bit" of weight.  Hey, I am up for trying whatever works...

I am in a pretty good spot emotionally.  Made lunch for a sick friend.  Glad I was able to do that.  Praying to God that she does not get worse.  She is so weak, she has no strength to fight off anything else.  She is dealing with a urinary tract infection.  Please God, help her out.

Asking God EVERY day to help me with the 30 pounds that are such a burden for me.  Ask, and it shall be given.  Don't know what God has planned, but I know it is going to be good.

Getting exposed to all kinds of ideas....even lap band.  Sounds like I would qualify and it would be covered by insurance.  Probably need to call Dr. Jim Swain at Mayo and see what he says....  I really really want to get slim and fit and healthy.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Power talk

Ever notice how powerful good communication can be?  I have not posted anything in three days because I have been busy talking via Facebook with another person who faces many of the trials and challenges I face concerning weight, good health, and stress.

It feels so good to talk to someone who understands, someone who has gone through some tough times, someone who has been on some rough roads in their life.  Amazing how similar we are.  Granted, our experiences are different, and yet they are still the same in so many ways.

I continue to struggle with food intake.  Eating all the right stuff, just too much of it.  Can't seem to stop myself.  How stupid is that???  What will it take to make me get with the program?  A heart attack?  A stroke? 

I HATE being fat.  I hate it I hate it I hate it.  So why can't I do something about it?  I go to the indoor pool every day and do a full hour of water aerobics.  And I work hard for the full hour.  Other people comment on how hard I work.  Cannot see any results.  The scale says I have not lost a pound.  So I get discouraged, come home and eat to obscure my pain and discouragement.

Not drinking enough water.  Stopped using Crystal Light due to what I have read about artificial sweeteners.  But I think I will start using it again; I drink a LOT more water when I have the flavored stuff available.

Talked to a friend of mine last night via Facebook who is on the Metabolic Research diet; she has lost 33 pounds sincew August 1st.  Awesome.  She said it has been so easy.  I tried Metabolic last year and lost 17 pounds pretty easily, but it was so expensive, plus I did not feel good about going there.  The girls were So into selling more stuff, selling more stuff.  If I do Metabolic again, I will get only the protein packs....I can do my own thing with vitamins.  I know the program, and I don't need their vitamins.

Have to find something that works.  I have started praying to God every day that he help me find a way to lift these 30 pounds from my body.  I know He can do amazing things once WE open the door by asking for what we need.

Wish I knew how to get the word out on this blog. It would be good to interact with some other people who are struggling with weight.  Not sure how to make that happen.  But I need help.  I need someone to interact with, someone to cheer me on, keep me up, etc.

Okay, so what to do?  One, drink more water.  Two, research cinnamon and its impact on weight.  Three, get some capsacian pills.  Four, buy some grapefruit juice and drink it every morning.  Five, order some protein shakes from the compan Jill uses for her diet. 

There, that is a real start.  That will keep me busy.  Also, tomorrow I plan to play a round of golf.  That will be good exercise, and in addition to my pool routine.

Pool exercising is harder with my buddies there.  When I have no one to talk to while I exercise, it seems to take twice as long to get the workout in.  Time just crawls by.  But I hang in there and I do it.

Friday, November 19, 2010

What's eating you?

How much of what we eat is caused by what's eating us? 

I took a great class today at a local college.  The class was on stress, and was it informative!  We were asked to identify the people in our lives who cause us stress, state how long they have caused us stress, and why they cause us stress.  Then we were told the consequences of stress, including its toll on our bodies. 

One impact of stress is depression and self-degradation, which can lead to food addiction, excessive sleep, lethargy, lack of exercise, and DIS-ease. 

Then we were shown how to deal with the stress/stressors in our lives.  Very thought-provoking.  I will deal with the how-to part later.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Does my messy desk make my butt look fat?

My desk is a total mess.  I have many many projects (most of them small) in "process" or started but not finished, or on my desk as an idea and not even started.  But sometimes they pay off....

Today I spent some time looking for $3542.00 that I know belongs to me but don't know where to find it...or didn't know where to find it.  I got a call from a woman who specializes in "finding" lost money for people who own stock or have bank accounts or other assets that they have somehow become "separated from" and lost track of.  Now you are probably wondering how someone could LOSE $3542.00.  Easy.  The post office did not forward the correspondence from this company whose stock I own, and the company would not let me update the address due to some crap concerning proof of ownership.  I had tried repeatedly to get the address updated with no luck.  Anyway, the stock became "abandoned" in the eyes of the law.  So I had a choice of paying this woman 25% of the $3542.00 to get the stock back to me, or I could find it myself.

So I went to work on that.  I figured if she could find it, I could, too.  Took a few hours and some frustration, but I think I found it.  I found SOMETHING that belongs to me that is "in excess of $50.00".  I have to do some paperwork to see if that is in fact the $3542.00.  I am pretty sure it is.  Not a bad day's work.

So what does missing money have to do with weight?  Stress, stress, stress.  Frustration, discouragement, guilt.  Feeling stupid.  All the emotional bullshit that ends up being triggers for me to eat and eat and eat.

I have accomplished incredible things in my lifetime, in my opinion.  I have endured innumerable disappointments. I have been emotionally bruised and abused countless times.  I still I have persevered.  But at a horrible cost:  I eat to cover my sorrows.  

Today I had cereal with skim milk for breakfast.  I added a packet of Sweet N Low, a teaspoon of flaxseed, and several dried cranberries to the bowl.  And I stopped at one bowl!!  Normally, I would have eaten at least two bowls -- just to use up all the milk in the bowl -- but I threw out the milk that was left.  Looked like I threw out most of the flaxseed and the cranberries with the milk (guess I forgot to stir while I ate...) but that is okay.

Worked through lunch until around 2:30 when I had an apple and some peanut butter.  I LOVE peanut butter with fruit!  Cannot have it on bananas since learning that bananas have a high sugar content, so now I have an apple a day with peanut butter.

Then I went to meet a girlfriend for our weekly chat/get together.  We meet once a week to catch up, bitch about our husbands, whine to each other, laugh, cry, talk about new stores in the area -- whatever happens to be on our minds.  And we have a piece of pie.  We started this months ago, and we call it going out for dessert. 

I went to the restaurant with good intentions....  coffee only. 

Didn't work.  I folded like a worn out umbrella.  When my friend ordered pie, I followed.  I did not eat all of it, but I ate more than I should.

On the other hand, I say what the hell.  I work my butt off in the water for at least an hour every day, and I should be able to have one small piece of pie a week and not feel like I blew my weight program.  Dang!

I keep thinking I might be a tad thinner, but each time I get on the scale, it tells me a different story.  I hate it I hate it I hate it!!!!  So frustrating.  I weigh myself every day, hoping the weight will drop.  But it doesn't.    I have a Weight Watcher scale, so I know it is accurate.  With the exception of the weekly piece of pie, I have given up sugar.  I NEVER eat a piece of candy or taste a cookie here at home.  I turn down desserts when I go out to dinner with others or to their homes.  I have virtually eliminated bread from my diet.  I watch my carb intake very closely.  So what is the problem???? 

It must be my messy desk.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Weight Loss: Digging for Answers

I have been trying to lose weight for years.  I took off about 20 pounds a year ago by going on a very low calorie diet and, upon getting off the very expensive protein packs and vitamins that were part of the program, immediately gained the 20 pounds back plus ten more.

I am an emotional eater; that is a given.  I eat and eat and eat and eat, often without realizing what I have eaten.  I have been known to look for the other snack I brought to the couch only to discover that I have already eaten it.  If I start eating out of a bag of nuts or a box of crackers or whatever, I will likely polish off a huge portion of the contents before I realize it.

In the past month, I have made some major changes in my eating habits.  One, I eat no sugar at all if I can help it.  That means no cookies, no candy, no desserts of any kind.  It also means getting things like coffee creamer that are sugar free.  I read labels.  I check calorie count websites to see what fruits (I love virtually all fruits) are high in sugar.  For example, I no longer eat bananas because of their high sugar content.

Also, I have almost cut out all breads.  I no longer have toast, not even the 100 calorie slice type.  I no longer have the sausage biscuits from McDonalds for breakfast.

I am consciously trying to take in more fiber and fewer carbs.

I am also working on portion control, with "working" being the key word here.  I put my nuts (almonds, peanuts, walnuts) into portion controlled snack packs.  The challenge then becomes to eat just one pack....

I have broadened my choices of green and yellow vegetables.  I love salads and have them often, and I have recently added things like yellow and Italian squash.

I know I need to combine good food choices with exercise, so I go to the pool every day and do at least an hour of water aerobics.  I really work while I am in the water.  I use weights, noodles, bands, water gloves.  I recently added interval training to my water routine.

The problem:  with these changes in my life, I have lost zero pounds.  Nada!  Nothing.  Not a single pound.
Very frustrating.  I am discouraged.  And I am open to any and all suggestions.  Anything you can suggest will be considered.  I so want to be 30 pounds lighter and 30 pounds healthier.