Big Day Coming Up

I had a good day today. Stayed under 1200 calories, got a massage, had some time to relax and think about things, and prepare myself mentally for tomorrow when Johnny and I see his urologist.

We found out Johnny had prostate cancer four years ago, and he had his prostate removed, only to find out the cancer was already outside the prostate. The doctor said he did the best he could to get it all. Duh! Of course he did. I guess because I was so emotional and so scared, it never occurred to me to suggest radiation around the prostate site.

Fast forward to 2009. Johnny started having backaches that kept him from playing golf. NOTHING keeps him from the golf course. I insisted that we go check out what was happening. After many tests, everything indicated the cancer was back, except the doctor could not find it. In June of this year, I insisted on a bone scan, and there it was: a tumor showed up on Johnny's spine, which means the prostate cancer has metastisized to his bones. He has completed a six-month treatment of hormone suppression therapy, and tomorrow we will find out what his latest blood test shows in terms of whether his PSA has dropped, leveled off, or kept going up.

Stressful to say the least. And I am an emotional eater. I admit it. But I will face tomorrow when it gets here, together with whatever news comes.
I have said repeatedly since finding out about the bone cancer that I just don't want Johnny to suffer. I can give him up, but I don't know if I can stand to see him suffer. So far, he is doing great. He has little pain, and he plays golf at least four times a week. His attitude is incredibly positive. He also is good at hiding his feelings.

However, when we got the bad news about the cancer being back and the doctor told him he had maybe two years, Johnny said to me, "You'll need to help me with this..."

He knows I worry. Early on, I was asking way too often how he felt, what he needed, etc. He told me, "Don't feel sorry for me. I don't feel sorry for me." And he said tonight, "Well, we will find out tomorrow if I get to see another Christmas on this planet."

Heavenly Father, God, please let us feel your presence tomorrow.

I want to write more, I need to write more. But my heart is heavy, and I need to go be with Johnny. I know his burden is a bit lighter when I am near him.