Trudging

It has been a trudging day, and I am worn out by it.

Had oatmeal with cinnamon for breakfast and by lunch, I was tired tired tired. Because of no protein? I don't know. I had gotten up early to meet with the termite killers, had only one quick cup of coffee, vacuumed amd mopped the kitchen floor, and then headed off to the pool for a 75 minute workout. While I was there, two people commented on how hard I exercise.

On the way home, I realized I was on only my first bottle of water for the day, instead of my fifth, as I should have been. I got home, drank a bottle of water, and had an apple. That got me through until two o'clock, when it was time to meet with a salesman on "radiant barrier" insulation for the attic. The program sounds good, but I need to do some research and see if it is a good investment. I simply don't know. Johnny has no opinion one way or the other.

Once the salesman left, I grabbed a can of V8 and a little bag of peanuts and headed out the door with Johnny to go to Golfsmith. Somehow, I lost my peanuts between the pantry and the car, but unfortunately I did not miss them until we were ten minutes into our trip. I needed those peanuts, and I could not find them anywhere, which made me crazy!! I was weak with hunger. I drank the V8 and turned down John's offer to stop for fast food. Instead, I ate a couple of fiber tablets I found in my purse and drank a bottle of water. I felt half sick to my stomach. I really do not understand how people can go and go and go without food.

We ended up stopping at Subway on the way home for a Roasted Chicken Breast on nine grain wheat bread with extra lettuce, extra green pepper, extra onion, and extra tomato, finished off with salt and pepper and light mayo. I could hardly wait to get home to eat it. I ate the entire 12 inch sandwich!! Then I checked it on Fitness Pal and hated that I had eaten all of it. I was very surprised and disappointed that it was 620 calories. I thought with all the veggies, it would be maybe 400, 450 max. Won't make that mistake again. No matter how many calories I have available, I just don't want to eat anything with that many calories in one fell swoop.

After entering my food into Fitness Pal and seeing I was still under 1200 calories for the day, I expressed my frustration to John at no weight loss this week. To give you a brief background, I have been exercising almost daily (I try for six days a week, rest on Sunday) for nearly three months. I have eliminated sugar from my diet (I cannot remember when I last had a cookie or a piece of candy; I don't even bake anymore so we don't have it around), I have cut way back on carbs (no chips, no Pringles, almost no bread) and have reduced the overall quantity of food I eat -- and I still cannot lose weight!

So I get frustrated, and I get discouraged, and I needed to talk about it tonight. I made the mistake of trying to talk to Johnny about how I was feeling about how difficult it is to see any progress. When I repeated to him what I just said above, his only response was, "Well, there have been some days you have missed going to the gym."

Holy Crap! YES!! Hello!! I "miss" almost every Sunday, because I feel I need a day of rest, a day when I can just stay in my PJs, drink coffee, and read the paper. Instead of encouraging me for all I am doing, he suggested I am not doing enough. In fact, he added, "you need to play golf on Monday." Yep. That would burn some more calories. But what about the things I need to do on Monday, including an ultrasound?

Maybe he is right about my not exercising enough. I went over my Fitness Pal info for the week. Since my last weigh-in on Sunday, I have exercised 375 minutes, and I mean hard, continuous exercise, with interval training incorporated. In addition to the 375 minutes, I have done strength training with bands and with free weights, but I don't keep track of the time I spend on that. Based on Fitness Pal's calculations, those 375 minutes of hard work should net me a loss of just over half a pound. Over six hours of exercise for half a pound?? Is that exciting or what?? NOT!!

Additionally, I have gotten the message twice this week on Fitness Pal that I "am not eating enough calories." And John is worried that I have missed some days of exercise, that I need to cut back more on my eating. Oh, yes, he mentioned that also.

You know, it seems pretty clear to me that, for the most part, many people who have never had serious weight problems simply do not understand what it is like to be obese. They do not recognize the struggle. They don't have a frigging clue how hard it is to keep on keeping on when you cannot see any improvement. They simply cannot appreciate the inner battles we have with discouragement, hopelessness, depression, fatigue, etc. All the emotional shit makes me so tired I can hardly put one foot in front of the other, and I hate it.

I don't know where I am going with this. Just venting, I guess. And that is one of the benefits of writing it all down. You get it out in the open, where it can be dissected and taken apart. And let go of....so let it go, Digger. Let it go.

On a positive note, that conversation with John (if you can call it that) gave me time to get pissed off, feel anger and self-pity, get discouraged, etc. He said I got angry with him because I am upset about my weight.

His comments reminded me that I know better than to try to have a conversation with John on anything I need or want. Thank you for the reminder, John, you insensitive shit. Next time we will talk about your golf game while we watch one of your favorite Western movies. That should be a sure winner, guaranteed to make you happy.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Why do I bother? Stupid is as stupid does.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

It's okay. Tomorrow is another day, and I will make it a good one.